Positive Behavior Tips for Young Children

Understanding the Cycle of Escalation

If you’ve ever had to leave a store while carrying a screaming child like a surfboard, you understand the physiological stress that takes over the next time you have to go inside. You’re tense, worried, and anxious. Your child picks up on that and is more likely to have a meltdown.
And the cycle keeps building.

Changing the cycle isn’t easy, but it will help you and your child enjoy your time together much more.

Build a Relationship with Your Child

You probably spend a lot of time around your child. Sharing meals, car rides, and doing activities like grocery shopping together. But most of these are adult-directed activities where kids are more or less along for the ride.

Relationships and trust are built on reciprocity.

Bahl’s top suggestion for forging this is special time.

“Special time is a five-minute segment of time that is separate from anything else going on where your child gets to lead the play,” she explains. Top special time selections include activities where there’s no right or wrong, and where there are plenty of opportunities to provide praise and attention for your child’s behaviors.

Some of the activities that could make for good activities for special time include:

• Building toys, like blocks or magnetic tiles
• Sensory toys, like Play-Doh or sand
• Imaginative toys, like pretend figures or play food

During this special time, Bahl encourages parents to “provide lots of positive attention.” But make sure the attention and feedback is about the activity.

This shows your child that you really see them and appreciate who they are. This foundation builds trust.

Strategic Attention & Selective Ignoring

We’ve all heard it. When your child is engaging in a behavior you don’t want, you should ignore it. Otherwise, they might start to do it just for the attention. But Bahl acknowledges that this can be a bit tricky.

If your child always yells or runs, it can be hard to find times when they’re not to provide praise. You also can't just ignore them running into the street.

Bahl emphasizes that these moments don’t have to be big. There are small moments where the positive opposite occurs. When they’re first waking up, or when they’re relaxing.

“Positives can be neutral behaviors,” she shares.

Positive behaviors, including those neutral ones like not-yelling, should be met with praise.
Ultimately, the ratio should be about 4 positive comments for every 1 negative one.

Preventing Problems

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. And that’s true for behavior management as well.

Children are more likely to be successful at managing behavior when things are predictable and when they’re rested, fed, and on a regular schedule.

You can also prevent problems by talking about them and making sure your child knows what to do.

Bahl suggests framing this in positive terms. “Tell your child what to do rather than just what not to do.”

Pick Your Battles

“Not everything needs to be controlled by a parent,” Bahl shares. So, if your toddler has mastered the fine art of a particular rude sound, it can be embarrassing if they do it repeatedly in a grocery store.

Is it worth the potential for escalation? Are you ready to actually hold the line here? And maybe you are, but that might depend on your child and what other battles you’ve already fought that day.

As with Bahl’s other suggestions, it comes down to psychology. If your boss gives you a list of 100 items that need your attention, it’s unlikely you’ll get to all of them.

“Fewer instructions and fewer commands mean children are more successful,” Bahl shares. So pick the items that are the most worthwhile

Consequences

If you drew a boundary and your child crosses it, now it’s the pivotal moment. What’s going to happen?

Being consistent with consequences is another piece of the predictability puzzle that helps children be more successful with behavior management.
Three ways of implementing consequences are:

• Natural consequences
• Timeout
• Restriction of privileges

All of these can be appropriate depending on the situation. The important thing is that they’re communicated clearly, and that they happen consistently.

Give Yourself Some Grace

“Being a good parent doesn’t mean being perfect,” Bahl stresses. But by focusing on the positives, you help a child build relationships and have good self-esteem.

And by creating structure and boundaries, you help your child feel safe and thrive in the world.